I'll bet she douches with gravy.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
