So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
