I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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