I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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