You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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