U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
