I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
