fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
