It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
