$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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