Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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