So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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