I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
