Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
