You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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