I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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