im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I have aggressive nipples.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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