take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
