I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
