i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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