Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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