Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
