my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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