I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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