I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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