her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
