so that wasnt chicken after all
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
