New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
