i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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