everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
