Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
