rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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