you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
