I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
