You're my little dorito
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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