Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
