I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So squirting runs in the family.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
