do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
