i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
