you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
