i don't want you to think of me as your TA
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
