woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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