I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
