I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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