toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
