someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
