Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dicks are not precious.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
