she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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