Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Boobs speak an international language.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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