You smell like stripper and shame
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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