evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
